The moment I knew something had to change.

Honestly, I don't remember when it happened. I just remember that it did happen and I did not want it to happen again. My heart felt like it was pounding right out of my chest. My adrenaline was through the roof. And there I was, feeling like I was watching it all unfold with no control over what my body was doing or feeling. My brain couldn't even comprehend what was going on. 

A panic attack, I believe. 

I'm not sure if I've felt anything like it before but that's what I think happened. I didn't understand. Why did it happen? Why couldn't I control what I was feeling? What was going on? The fact that I didn't know contributed more to my uneasiness. I ended up breaking down in tears and it was not pretty. As the tears fell, I continued to cry, hysterically, while my boyfriend stayed by my side. 

My boyfriend also happens to be one of my business partners. Together with one other partner, we own and operate Pochi Bubble Tea Cafe in Lynnwood, Washington. It was there that my anxiety flared beyond my grasp.

We took over the business about 2 years ago (before my boyfriend was my boyfriend). Neither one of us had prior knowledge of the food or beverage industry aside from being consumers. So when we took over the business, you can imagine all the hardships and challenges we faced. I would be lying if I didn't say that it was a rough start and transition. 

Over the course of those 2 years, we built the team we envisioned, grew our business and was doing good work. However, I was also facing my own personal problems. My marriage came crumbling down. I couldn't hold on any longer and it eventually ended in a divorce.

Why does any of that matter though?

I guess it's because I still couldn't wrap my mind around why I had a panic attack at the time that I did. I kept replaying the series of event that happened. There was a line of customers and we were getting busy. I just got done handling an upset UberEats Driver and I was trying to do my best to help my team out. I was going 100% like I always did. I kept thinking to myself, "I've gone through this before." Why is it all getting to me like this? What's so different about today? I just went through a rough couple of years, the past hour working was no where near that. Why?

Still shaken up and with the encouragement of my boyfriend, I took the rest of the night off and took some time for myself. I began reading about stress and anxiety. My family has a history of depression so I even started reading about that. Maybe I'm depressed. I figured if I did some research, I could figure out what was wrong. I could not stand not knowing. Learning what has helped others would surely do me some good, right?

And that's when I started to shift my focus on what happened in that moment to what I have been doing, my own actions. Surely I had a major role in what I was feeling and experiencing. I started to realize that it was what I was not doing more so than what I was doing. 

Self-care. 

I was lacking some much needed self-care. I needed to put my focus on taking care of myself and my well-being. How could I take care of my business, my team, or anyone else for that matter if I couldn't take care of myself first? I began to look at how the lack of self-care wore me down and affected the way I responded to stress. I recounted the times that I was irritable and had a short fuse. I put so much of my energy and focus into what I was doing that I didn't take a step back for myself. I did not take the time to refocus and it in turn has made way for my lack of clarity. 

I decided I was going to tackle the road to self-care one step at a time. I didn't know where to start exactly, but my physical health was an obvious one for me. I've always struggled with eating regularly. I also consume a lot of coffee. So changing my eating habits made sense.

Of course, that wouldn't solve everything. I will need to do more than change my eating habits. I needed to reconnect with my "why". I have strayed further away from my "why" bit by bit without even knowing. Starting this blog is a way for me to get back to my "why". It is something I have always wanted to do, but was too afraid to do so. It's something different and something completely out of my comfort zone.

I am nervous. Very nervous. However, I am excited too. I get to share my experiences with the world. I am not a professional writer but I get to challenge myself to write. I get the chance to develop my voice in writing. Hopefully, I also get to impact even one person's life in a positive way. After all, life is bigger than just me.

And if somehow my writing ends up to be terrible, I guess I'll be able to find out too!

Growth comes from outside your comfort zone!

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Learn a little more about me here: https://goo.gl/LQ38DT